All the Hydrogen in the World

Who Wants To Be A Porn Star?

Last night I endured 2 full hours of pulling, stretching, and tugging. I came home after work and spent the better part of the evening with a lady called Ghada who was on a mission to remove any evidence that I, in fact, was not a prepubescent teen. Over the 2 span of our 2 hours together, this is how our conversation went.

Me: Ay.
Ghada: Baddik Imlik kil sha3ra.
Me: Ma daroori.
Ghada: Yi ma tisti7i.
Me: Mish Mist7iyeh.
Ghada: 7a tshoofi ba3ed ma tit7ammami 7a tseeri mitel il baby. Ma 7a ykoon fi wala ay fare2.
Me: *GASP
Ghada: Ana hek. Min period la period ba3mol 7afleh la 7ali. B7ot hal mreyeh w yalla. Ma bkhalli wala ay shi.
Me: Lok keef btista7ikmi?
Ghada: Yi 3adi. Yalla brimi ta illik. Tawbzi, w shiddili jildik min hon, w khalliki hek.
Me: Ra7 ou2a3.
Ghada: La2 ma btoo2a3i.

Surely enough I lose my balance and desperately struggle not to fall on my head.

Me: Kinet ra7 ou2a3.
Ghada: La2 3adi. Yalla msikili il culotte, 3ali, 3ali.
Me: Ya Ghada wein ba3dik ray7a.
Ghada: Ma baddi khalilik wala ay sha3ra aw wabra.

The rest of the conversation alternated between an extended version of the "ma baddi khalilik wala sha3ra" routine, stories about "we7deh zbouneh khityara" (who turned out to be only 45) who likes to remove everything except for 1 line down there (a design as she likes to refer to it) and the occasional not so subtle reminder that "Nadine njem, maliket jamel libnan, hiyeh zboonti". Interesting.

20 minutes after she'd gone and I could do nothing but look in the mirror, questioned whether any of the events of the past 2 hours bordered on molestation, and think "I look like a porn star. A prepubescent one, but a porn star non the less".

posted by Rasha @ 2/21/2006 06:07:00 AM