Sunday, April 23, 2006

HIM

I miss having happy thoughts. I haven't been happy in a while. I've laughed, had good times and enjoyed myself. But I haven't been happy in ages. I'm surprised really. I think something's wrong. I don't think it's normal when I've spent the past 2 days in my room alternating between the same 2 songs for hours at a time. I miss being happy.

I don't know how to deal with things sometimes. With people specifically. It's really hard when when you first meet someone you think they're one type of person, but then as your relationship progresses you come to realize they're not really that person. It's hard to deal with when things or mannerisms you never knew of creep up behind you slowly. Then overnight you find yourself fighting hard to keep something together. How do you know if it's worth all the hassle? How do you decide when enough really is enough? I could really use an answer. I've been trying to figure out whether things are wrong because I'm going through a rough patch or because this just isn't working. I've never been a good judge when it comes to figure this sort of thing out. How upset can I really get?

Lately I’ve found myself taking more and more deep breaths, hoping that with each breath I can rationalize things better and get a better grip on things. The fact is, I’ve never worked so hard on making a relationship work. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t know if it means this is real and this will last because I care enough to want it to last, or of it means there’s a lot wrong with the relationship and it just won’t work no matter what. I’m almost 24 and this is the first time I’ve tried to have a “mature” relationship...whatever that means. I’m trying. I real am trying. I know I am. Am I incapable of making things work, or am I just a spoiled brat who wants to bail out as soon as things aren’t going to my liking or as smooth as I think they should. I don’t know anymore.

I know that I don’t want advice from friends…or strangers… telling me that if I’m not happy then it’s time to move on. I know that every time I have an argument with HIM I don’t want my mind to directly jump to “maybe we should break up”. That’s not right. I think I am spoiled. But I also think I deserve good things. HE gives me good things. HE makes me feel good things. I want to be with HIM. I want things to work with HIM. We’ve only been together for 2 months, but I can see myself being with HIM for a long long time. We should be ok. I should be ok with HIM, and HE should be ok with me. I see us being ok. But every time I try to assure myself that we’re going to be ok, something comes up. It’s like we have a cloud of bad karma hanging over our heads. It won’t go away and sometime I feel it’s partly because HE won’t help me make it go away. I don’t know if I’m being unfair. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much of HIM. Sometimes things feel so right with HIM. They are so right. But things are going so wrong. How do you stop things from going so wrong?

I just feel like if I can’t make things work between us, I’ll never be able to make things work with anyone. It’s never been so right. It has to be ok. I just want to make things ok. HE has to help me make everything ok. That’s all I want. I know I’ll be ok after that. Things will brighten up and we’ll all be happy. Happy thoughts. That’s what it comes down to. It’s all about happy thoughts.

5 Comments:

At Sunday, April 23, 2006 10:09:00 AM, Blogger Eve said...

it's true that you have to fight for something/someone, sometimes, but trying to convince yourself that you're ok with a person may mean that you're not really ok with him. happiness is not sought in a relationship. If happiness and relationships were to be cause and effect, I believe one should achieve the minimum of personal happiness/satifaction at first, then everything else will fall into place. not the other way around. yalla, good luck.

 
At Sunday, April 23, 2006 9:19:00 PM, Blogger Rasha said...

eve: it's really difficult. i always find myself not really knowing where i fall in the spectrum of "am i happy or am i trying way too hard to be happy". it's hard and it's tricky and you always run the risk of taking the wrong decision. some things just can't be undone. haydi il naykeh.

 
At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 10:37:00 AM, Anonymous LeRamz said...

Heya!

Everytime I read one of your posts, I realise that there are strange similarities. HE is SHE, but it's the same. In a way, It's bad for me because how bad it makes me feel sometimes, but whenever we're together and things are good, everything else seems miniscule.

Stop thinking about life and live, stop thinking about happiness and enjoy... that's what everyone says... it's not easy isn't it?

I've had spots of sunshine, but I haven't really been happy for years now. I'm afraid we're too old and wisened to be truly happy anymore.

 
At Tuesday, May 30, 2006 3:43:00 AM, Blogger Ramzi said...

Gone too long.
Come back.

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 10:37:00 AM, Blogger Rasha said...

back :).

 

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