HIM
I miss having happy thoughts. I haven't been happy in a while. I've laughed, had good times and enjoyed myself. But I haven't been happy in ages. I'm surprised really. I think something's wrong. I don't think it's normal when I've spent the past 2 days in my room alternating between the same 2 songs for hours at a time. I miss being happy.
I don't know how to deal with things sometimes. With people specifically. It's really hard when when you first meet someone you think they're one type of person, but then as your relationship progresses you come to realize they're not really that person. It's hard to deal with when things or mannerisms you never knew of creep up behind you slowly. Then overnight you find yourself fighting hard to keep something together. How do you know if it's worth all the hassle? How do you decide when enough really is enough? I could really use an answer. I've been trying to figure out whether things are wrong because I'm going through a rough patch or because this just isn't working. I've never been a good judge when it comes to figure this sort of thing out. How upset can I really get?
Lately I’ve found myself taking more and more deep breaths, hoping that with each breath I can rationalize things better and get a better grip on things. The fact is, I’ve never worked so hard on making a relationship work. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t know if it means this is real and this will last because I care enough to want it to last, or of it means there’s a lot wrong with the relationship and it just won’t work no matter what. I’m almost 24 and this is the first time I’ve tried to have a “mature” relationship...whatever that means. I’m trying. I real am trying. I know I am. Am I incapable of making things work, or am I just a spoiled brat who wants to bail out as soon as things aren’t going to my liking or as smooth as I think they should. I don’t know anymore.
I know that I don’t want advice from friends…or strangers… telling me that if I’m not happy then it’s time to move on. I know that every time I have an argument with HIM I don’t want my mind to directly jump to “maybe we should break up”. That’s not right. I think I am spoiled. But I also think I deserve good things. HE gives me good things. HE makes me feel good things. I want to be with HIM. I want things to work with HIM. We’ve only been together for 2 months, but I can see myself being with HIM for a long long time. We should be ok. I should be ok with HIM, and HE should be ok with me. I see us being ok. But every time I try to assure myself that we’re going to be ok, something comes up. It’s like we have a cloud of bad karma hanging over our heads. It won’t go away and sometime I feel it’s partly because HE won’t help me make it go away. I don’t know if I’m being unfair. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much of HIM. Sometimes things feel so right with HIM. They are so right. But things are going so wrong. How do you stop things from going so wrong?
I just feel like if I can’t make things work between us, I’ll never be able to make things work with anyone. It’s never been so right. It has to be ok. I just want to make things ok. HE has to help me make everything ok. That’s all I want. I know I’ll be ok after that. Things will brighten up and we’ll all be happy. Happy thoughts. That’s what it comes down to. It’s all about happy thoughts.
...
way up North I took my day
all in all it was a pretty nice day
and I put the Hood right back where you could taste heaven perfectly
Feel out the summer breeze
didn't know when we'd be back
And I, I don't...didn't think
We'd end up like this...
silver lining:
n. A hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty.
Starting Over - The Career Version
I quit my job a couple of weeks back. This coming week will be my last week at my first ever job. It's a weird feeling. I thought I'd be jumping with joy knowing that the hell I've had to deal with for 10 months now will finally be over. Instead, i find myself having to deal with mixed feelings. Suddenly I've come to realize that I in fact am attached to Design Consultancy X. Much like someone in an abusive relationship, I don't wanna leave. I’m really going to miss it. I’m gonna miss my much-in-need-of-a-good-fuck boss, my I-must-prove-I’m-more-senior creative director and all the shit that’s been stinking up my life.
Changes are an odd thing to deal with. They’re usually more than welcomed, but they always throw you in a loop. My daily routine drive to Design Consultancy X will now have to be replaced by a daily routine drive to Ad Agency Y. Yes people, I too now have a new media job. No, I don’t feel like a hypocrite at all. Not at all.
The point is, according to my calculations, it’s taken me somewhere around 8 months to get used to my work environment, job specifications and work buddies. This worries me. I don’t think I can take another 8 months of learning how to deal and cope with a new job. I’m hoping that the first job is always the hardest to get used to. I’m hoping that I’m gonna sit my behind in my new chair quite comfortably and that I will not be driving back everyday after work hoping I have a car accident so I don’t have to go to work the next day. I really don’t want another case of Design Consultancy X. I’m really going to miss it there. I’m gonna miss everyone and everything. But I’ll forget. I’ll move on and have a whole bunch of new stories about the characters from work.
A change would do me good... This is going to be hard.
Perfect
I've come to realize that it's one thing to make yourself happy, but it's quite another to make someone else happy. Relationships are complex and no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough. It’s funny how the perfect start to the close-enough-to-perfect relationship can dissipate so quickly. I really could use a Judith McNaught moment right now.
It seems that overnight things change. Expectations change, attitudes change, and people’s ability to withstand each others faults suddenly grows to a standstill. I’m really disappointed. And I’m really hurt. I’m almost 24 years old and I still don’t understand anything. Every time I think I’ve gotten a grasp on the way things work, I get mulled over by god knows what and I find myself lying in a ditch covered in dirt and wondering what hit me. What did hit me? How do things suddenly turn so sour? I don’t remember getting a bad taste in my mouth... I just suddenly felt sick. I hate feeling sick. I’m really upset. Really am. And I need to vent. I don’t know if I’m angry or if I’m hurt or if I’m just confused. I’m a little bit of everything I guess and I hate it. I freakin hate it. It’s almost 3 am and I’m too upset to sleep and I have work tomorrow and that makes me angry. I have to go to work tomorrow and I’m gonna be dead tired and I’m gonna be upset because I’m so disappointed at this point I just wanna scream. It’s just not fair. Things might work out, but for the time being everything’s in shambles. I’m supposed to be having a good year but this month fucking sucks. I hate April. I hate everything it’s brought me so far. March was good. February wasn’t half bad. January was ok too. I hate April. Had I been someone else I’d be sitting in bed with a bottle of alcohol drinking my sorrows away. I’m that upset… and angry… and confused. It just so happens I don’t believe in drinking by yourself. It’s a sad sad state and right now I’m a lot of things but I’m not sad. I am sad. It’s not fair.
