Humpalicious
There's something wrong with my computer at work. Every time I open the page i get numbers instead of words. The whole screen is covered with these tiny little figures on top of each other. They look like little ants humping. Actually they look like little ants frozen in place after being caught humping. Cute. Mostly.
BUT... I would like to check out my blog from work. I can post ( I happen to be at work right now), but I can't read anything I've written. Call me egocentric (actually please don't), but I like reading my blog after I've posted a new entry. It makes me feel ultra-cool. One day I might even start commenting on my own entries and having one sided debates with myself. Cute. Maybe.
In A Little While
It's been a while. I had so much to say, and then suddenly..the well ran dry. Or maybe i just lost interest.
2007 is supposed to be massive for me. Maggie Farah said so herself :0. I'm a Cancer you see, and we're in for something big. I'm hopeful. I've had some amazing things happen to me, and some real shit moments. All in all 2006 was good. Maggie Farah was right about that, so I'm thinking she must be right about this year. All's good in rock n' roll. Whatever.
Anyway, updates. I'm totally in L. Love, like.. the works. It feels good. I'm getting a paycut at work if things keep going down the drain here in Beirut. I'll cope. I mostly like work. Like the people, the boss, the work itself. It's too bad they're turning the country into a ginormous shitpile. Too bad indeed.
We had a mini HNY party at the office this afternoon. The big boss asked each one of us what we wished for this new year. I couldn't come up with a single thing. I don't make wished anymore you see. I just hope for the best and see what happens. It takes a lot less effort, and makes you less aware of your unhappiness. Not that I'm unhappy or anything, but if I am, I'm just not aware of it. Not too bad, eh?
I'll just wait and see what happens in a little while.
HNY everybody.
My best friend's (a) girl
So my best friend is moving to Qatar by the end of the month. The implications are as follows:
1. My life is to fall apart (automatically)
2. The voice of reason and logic at my disposal will no longer be available
3. My nag/cry buddy will be gone
4. The glue in my relationship will slowly begin to crack
5. I will fall apart at the seams
FRINDS FOREVER NAMA.
I love you.
Sound familiar?
The Cynics, members of a school of Greek philosophers dating from the 4th century BC, believed that civilization was an artificial, unnatural state that should be held in contempt.
All the best, A.
I opened my inbox the other day to find what I can probably call the oddest email I've ever received. Let me give you a little background info. I went out with this guy (we'll call him A.) for around 3 years on and off. It was an "I'm young and think I'm in love" kind of relationship that ended up breaking my heart and opening my eyes to the way relationships really work. A., you see, after moving to America, starting becoming a little over zealous about his religious beliefs and that put me in situation after situation where my moral principles were questioned and the goodness of my heart was not so apparent anymore. To him, that is. It's the sort of thing I look back on and think "what the???". But that was over 2 years ago and I've since moved on to better things.
So I'm checking my email and I find an email from A. Last thing I expected let me tell you, and this is what I got to reading:
Salaam Rasha,
I hope this email finds you doing great. I pray that everything is
going great for you in-terms of work, family, friends and anything you
are pursuing right now. I just wanted to mention that I have NO
regrets whatsoever, and how would I as a result of meeting a great
honest and sincere person like you? Although I'm not happy with every
single choice I made, I do know that overall I have learned from this
experience and can actually be a better person as a result of it
insha'Allah. Be sure that these years have gone a long way in shaping
the Ahmad of today, and I am thankful to you for showing me countless
virtues at their exemplary form. For any negativity you see when you
look back at those few months, I ask your forgiveness, as I'm sure
that, like me, you embrace your past in effort to become the Rasha
that you are now and the Rasha you will be in your hopefully
successful, joyful, healthy, and happy future insha'Allah. May Allah
grant you all your wishes and reward you with a successful career that
you deserve and I know will work hard to earn.
All the best,
A.
Upon reading this little piece of literature, I didn't know how to react. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to tell him to fuck off, and I wanted to tell him that I too have no regrets. I did none. I till don't know how o react. I keep wondering why he sent this email. Is he trying to make amends because he has a guilty conscience? He really did screw me over at the time. His reason for our last and final break up was that he wasn’t ready for a commitment (believe me I wasn’t ready for a commitment either). Lo and behold, he was engaged to be married to a conservative, veiled young lady 4 months later. Whatever.
My take on this is as follows:
I belive that A. is following some religious cleansing program, sort of like AA but for those of us who have found God and decided to devote their lives to Him. Some sheikh probably told him that he has to undo whatever harm he’s done in his past. I’d really like to help but I can’t get myself to forget that his actions, as juvenile as they had been, did leave me bitter and angry though they did make me realize my self worth (maybe a little too much).
What bothers me the most, however, is that just like those years we were together he continues to make me feel guilty. After screwing me over time and again, he thinks he has the right to take the moral high ground and send such a sneaky email. Whatever. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but he hurt me at a time when I was very vulnerable and I can't forget that. At a time when my friends were having problems with their boyfriends about stupid shit, I had to prove that, just because I wasn't as religious as he was, I was still a good person. On several occasions he said that I was the one thing preventing him from a becoming a virtuous person. Just what every girl wants to hear. Young love, eh?
In any case, I don’t know if I can say that I regret those 3 long years I spent with A.
BUT…I can say that it was a waste of my time and youth. All the best, A.
HIM
I miss having happy thoughts. I haven't been happy in a while. I've laughed, had good times and enjoyed myself. But I haven't been happy in ages. I'm surprised really. I think something's wrong. I don't think it's normal when I've spent the past 2 days in my room alternating between the same 2 songs for hours at a time. I miss being happy.
I don't know how to deal with things sometimes. With people specifically. It's really hard when when you first meet someone you think they're one type of person, but then as your relationship progresses you come to realize they're not really that person. It's hard to deal with when things or mannerisms you never knew of creep up behind you slowly. Then overnight you find yourself fighting hard to keep something together. How do you know if it's worth all the hassle? How do you decide when enough really is enough? I could really use an answer. I've been trying to figure out whether things are wrong because I'm going through a rough patch or because this just isn't working. I've never been a good judge when it comes to figure this sort of thing out. How upset can I really get?
Lately I’ve found myself taking more and more deep breaths, hoping that with each breath I can rationalize things better and get a better grip on things. The fact is, I’ve never worked so hard on making a relationship work. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t know if it means this is real and this will last because I care enough to want it to last, or of it means there’s a lot wrong with the relationship and it just won’t work no matter what. I’m almost 24 and this is the first time I’ve tried to have a “mature” relationship...whatever that means. I’m trying. I real am trying. I know I am. Am I incapable of making things work, or am I just a spoiled brat who wants to bail out as soon as things aren’t going to my liking or as smooth as I think they should. I don’t know anymore.
I know that I don’t want advice from friends…or strangers… telling me that if I’m not happy then it’s time to move on. I know that every time I have an argument with HIM I don’t want my mind to directly jump to “maybe we should break up”. That’s not right. I think I am spoiled. But I also think I deserve good things. HE gives me good things. HE makes me feel good things. I want to be with HIM. I want things to work with HIM. We’ve only been together for 2 months, but I can see myself being with HIM for a long long time. We should be ok. I should be ok with HIM, and HE should be ok with me. I see us being ok. But every time I try to assure myself that we’re going to be ok, something comes up. It’s like we have a cloud of bad karma hanging over our heads. It won’t go away and sometime I feel it’s partly because HE won’t help me make it go away. I don’t know if I’m being unfair. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much of HIM. Sometimes things feel so right with HIM. They are so right. But things are going so wrong. How do you stop things from going so wrong?
I just feel like if I can’t make things work between us, I’ll never be able to make things work with anyone. It’s never been so right. It has to be ok. I just want to make things ok. HE has to help me make everything ok. That’s all I want. I know I’ll be ok after that. Things will brighten up and we’ll all be happy. Happy thoughts. That’s what it comes down to. It’s all about happy thoughts.
...
way up North I took my day
all in all it was a pretty nice day
and I put the Hood right back where you could taste heaven perfectly
Feel out the summer breeze
didn't know when we'd be back
And I, I don't...didn't think
We'd end up like this...
silver lining:
n. A hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty.
Starting Over - The Career Version
I quit my job a couple of weeks back. This coming week will be my last week at my first ever job. It's a weird feeling. I thought I'd be jumping with joy knowing that the hell I've had to deal with for 10 months now will finally be over. Instead, i find myself having to deal with mixed feelings. Suddenly I've come to realize that I in fact am attached to Design Consultancy X. Much like someone in an abusive relationship, I don't wanna leave. I’m really going to miss it. I’m gonna miss my much-in-need-of-a-good-fuck boss, my I-must-prove-I’m-more-senior creative director and all the shit that’s been stinking up my life.
Changes are an odd thing to deal with. They’re usually more than welcomed, but they always throw you in a loop. My daily routine drive to Design Consultancy X will now have to be replaced by a daily routine drive to Ad Agency Y. Yes people, I too now have a new media job. No, I don’t feel like a hypocrite at all. Not at all.
The point is, according to my calculations, it’s taken me somewhere around 8 months to get used to my work environment, job specifications and work buddies. This worries me. I don’t think I can take another 8 months of learning how to deal and cope with a new job. I’m hoping that the first job is always the hardest to get used to. I’m hoping that I’m gonna sit my behind in my new chair quite comfortably and that I will not be driving back everyday after work hoping I have a car accident so I don’t have to go to work the next day. I really don’t want another case of Design Consultancy X. I’m really going to miss it there. I’m gonna miss everyone and everything. But I’ll forget. I’ll move on and have a whole bunch of new stories about the characters from work.
A change would do me good... This is going to be hard.
